Valentines Day is always remembered because of hearts and flowers. May our Broken hearts be filled with love for our babies and every heart we see on Valentine’s day be a reminder of each of our precious babies no longer in our loving arms.
My Quest by Shannon Olson (continuation of last month’s Newsletter)
Along came Alex, then three years later, Lily. If I am with both or even just one, many times a stranger will ask me---“Is he/she your only child?” “Do you have more at home?” or “How many kids do you have?” The first time I was asked this was right after we had Alex. Amazingly, again I felt almost like someone else was---speaking for me. I felt my mouth moving and the words---“I have two children but my oldest passed away soon after she was born. This is Alexander and my daughter’s name is Carol Lynn.” I used the same answer each time that question was asked. That is until Lily was born. Then I just added her to my little speech. “I have had three children but my oldest passed away soon after she was born. This is Alexander, this is Lillian, and my oldest daughter’s name is Carol Lynn.” I will tell cashiers, salesmen, the UPS guy; I have even been known to scare away door-to-door siding companies. Sometimes they will ask what happened, other times, the “wall” will go up and the look of “she must be crazy” comes across their face. But once in awhile, there is that person that seems touched. They might have had a loss of their own and then share that with me, or they might know someone that has lost a baby and they might ask me questions about Carol Lynn and about Share. (the organizations that she have been involved in for parents who have had a baby die). I feel so strongly that Carol Lynn would never be known by others if I did not speak of her. All along it has made my grief over losing my child a bit “easier” to bear. She is still touching lives with hers. But only as long as I keep talking about her and telling people her story. There have been some that I have felt sure would never understand. I was so definite that they would never care and I was ok with that. Then suddenly they became intrigued with her short but beautiful life. They began telling others about Carol Lynn and Share. I never blamed those that either shut down or just refuse completely to validate Carol Lynn’s life. I recognize how hard it can be for people to comprehend. I will never stop talking about her. They might remember we were unafraid to speak of our loss. We were not ashamed but proud of our daughter, and we were not crazy for including her in our day-to-day lives. In return they may be able to do that for their baby or be able to comfort their friend or co-worker by listening and not judging when they speak of their baby that died. One person at a time will then understand that pregnancy and infant loss isn’t something that is swept under the rug. Just by what we say when asked, “How many children do you have?”
Did you know?
Hugging, as well as laughing, are great ways to cope with grief and stress? Medical studies indicate that touch and laughter boosts levels of endorphins, which are a group of substances formed within the body that naturally relieves pain, and suppresses levels of epinephrine—the stress hormone. Or, perhaps it’s making connections through affection and feeling the comfort and warmth only another human being can show. Try it and decide for yourself!
I Need To Be A Mother
There is a gap in my life
I cannot fill just by being a wife
I need to be a mother
Not just my husband’s lover
The space is here waiting to be filled
For a child to come into my world
I would be such a good mother
And hopefully one day to your
Sister or brother
For I know you’re out there looking for me
I’m over here come and see
The hole in my heart is filled with
Pain
I need a baby to love again
I cannot fill it by seeing friends
Or watching a film until it ends
I need a baby in my life
So I can be a Mother and a wife.
My Prince by Nanci Hollar for Patrick
For years and years
I have waited,
To finally be told
I have a baby to hold
Months of smiles
And planning,
It was all I could do
To wait to hold
And rock you.
Three weeks left
Until delivery day
When the doctors told
Us the news
That would shatter
Our dreams for you.
I know of Angels
Up in heaven,
But, friends and family,
Let me tell you,
I saw and held one
Here on earth.
He was my little prince,
With eyes of blue and
Hair of gold,
He was a perfect angel
For God to hold.
A Mommy is all I wished to be
And now I am to an angel
For all eternity.