The monthly support meeting is the second Tuesday of each month at 6:30 P.M. You do need to register for group, but there is not a cost involved. It is nice to be able to talk to other parents, (which dads are also welcome) who are going through similar situations. The Holidays might be exceptionally hard, so coming to group may help you get through this time.
The Holidays:
It’s easy to feel isolated during the holiday season when you’ve lost a loved one. Everyone else seems so happy when you feel so sad. The key is to acknowledge that you have changed and that the holidays aren’t going to be the same. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross states, “Grief is the internal feelings we have, while mourning is an external process. One of the ways we help work through our grief is to externalize it.” Looking for ways to openly acknowledge your grief during the holidays may help you weather them, and perhaps even find joy. (Tributes.com is a web site which people can set up memorials to those they’ve lost, free of charge, access resources about coping with grief and connect with others who are grieving.)
Some suggestions for managing grief during the holidays:
1- Give yourself permission to have pleasure. By allowing yourself joy, it can be a tribute to your loved one. They would want that. It doesn’t weaken your connection.
2- Include the deceased in your conversations and other activities if it seems appropriate. At a big family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner ask, “Can we start with a prayer for our baby.” Light a candle at the table for your baby. If they don’t seem to “want” to do these things, then do it at your own home in honor of your baby.
3- If it to hard for you, do the least possible to get through this time. As years pass, you will be able to find new ways to enjoy and celebrate your Christmas.
4- Seek a sympathetic ear. If you feel you’re not able to function, to find balance, to find any distance from the pain, seek help. Find a grief support group, where you will find instant empathy from people who have suffered similar losses.
5- Have two plans for the Holidays. Plan A, I’m going to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunt’s home. Plan B, If it gets too rough, too hard to be with everyone, I’m going to leave and go home and watch my favorite movie, take a walk through a favorite place, and give in to my grief if it seems to overwhelm me. If I seem to be doing fine, I’ll stay and enjoy being with family. If it seems too much before I ever leave home, I will not go.
6- It is always acceptable and often a wonderful way to memorialize your baby by offering a donation to your church, a food center, a charity, a needy family, in memory of your little one.
Mostly do what you can handle. No one knows what it is like to go through the Holidays when you have had a recent loss, especially of a baby or child, unless they have had a similar happening. It will be better with time. However, this time, you might have to be a little selfish and do what is best for you. I say this in the singular, but I am talking to you as a family unit. May your Holidays be Blessed and may the love for your infant give you the courage to get through the coming days and nights.
Is It Wrong to Grieve? By Marcia Miller
“She’s just feeling sorry for herself,” someone said. Sorry for herself? I thought incredulously, my friend is mourning over her miscarriage. I also was going through a maze of grief after losing the baby we were so excited about. This thoughtless statement got me thinking. Is it wrong to grieve over innocent babies that we know are in a “better place.” Is it selfish to wish we could cuddle and enjoy them? While reading through the Old Testament, I discovered some answers. God wanted his people to mourn for their dead. He knew that their emotions couldn’t heal if they did not first go through a time of mourning. I had felt that it was expected of me to just go on with my life as normal, as soon as I gained my strength. But my Lord knew this wasn’t as easy as it sounded. He knew that there would be days when I would need to cry. He understood. There was also something else in the Old Testament stories. After a specified time, the Israelites were to come out of mourning and go on with their regular routines. This too, spoke to me. The Lord knew that I would become sick mentally if I grieved for too long. He did not want my sadness to deteriorate into self-pity or bitterness. It would be wrong for me to feel bitterness towards a friend when I hold her newborn baby. But it is not wrong when tears pool as I cuddle her precious one to myself and wonder how my little one would have looked. It helps to know that the Lord made my fragile emotions. He wants me to care deeply. He understands when I hurt. He will help me to become a more caring person because I have known grief.
(Compile a memory scrapbook of your baby. Include cards you’ve received, words of encouragement, pressed flowers, and verses from Scripture that are precious to you.)
Do Babies Grow Up in Heaven? ( Author unknown)
Will I know my baby when we meet again?
Will he have grown up, not be the infant that died in my arms”
Will I recognize him among so many others?
Or will he be a stranger to me, not knowing who I am,
Or me knowing him?
Do Babies grow up in heaven?
He never got his first tooth, or said his first words.
No first shoes, no Santa, no first birthday cake.
Will my son still be a baby when we meet again?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Who sings him precious lullabies?
Who hold him close and kisses him everyday?
Who tells him constantly that they love him?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
When we next meet will he know me?
Will he want to know me?
Will he be my son who died at three months, or a man, full grown?
Will I have the joy of being a mother to my son for all eternity?
Do babies grow up in heaven?
Will I be able to hold him, love him, sing lullabies to him?
Will I be able to hold his tiny hand, or will it be a man’s hand?
Will I ever have the joy that only holding my son can bring?
I need to know! In heaven, is my baby still a baby?