Our date for the Memorial Service is no longer tentative but definite. Beautiful Trees: Barren Trees will be the name of our service for the Monday October 6th service. It is held in the hospital chapel at 7 P.M. with a special walk up to the cemetery in memory of all of our babies that have died, whether they are buried in the TLC plot or not. Following the ceremony at the cemetery everyone is invited to return for refreshments and socialization in the hospital boardroom. The quilt will be taken from the hospital chapel so you can add your baby to the quilt when we return. As always we do like an RSVP as to how many of your family or friends may be coming. We do however, want you to come even if it is a last minute decision, and you have not replied. It seems to be a great way to help you in the healing process in the loss of your baby.
FALL! It is always nice to be able to write about Spring coming, or Father’s day or Mother’s day with the encouragement they often offer. However, what can you really write about FALL? Winter is coming; you’ll have dark and sad days? I happen to like Fall about the best of any of the seasons, and I bet many of you do also. It seems like a refreshing season. The hot sticky days of summer are over with (with the exception of this year) and the crisp mornings of fall with the ever-increasing temperatures to warm the atmosphere can clear our minds of our sadness in the early mornings, and then warm our hearts as the day progresses. Sitting out in the Fall sunshine gives a little different perspective on life. We know that Winter is coming, and grief is so much harder in the Winter, so sit in that sun and ask your questions why, and see if you can work through some of your grief. Remember things will again be brighter! Love and Laughter will again be part of your life. Think of how you have changed and how much stronger of a person you are since your loss. You have learned the lesson how fragile life can be and to love every moment you do had with your baby whether it was only while you carried the child and lost the baby through miscarriage, or you were able to have some time with your baby after the birth.
How Do I Tell My Other Children That We Won’t Have a Baby to Bring Home? From When Your Baby Dies by Louis A Gamino and Ann Taylor Cooney
Having another baby is an exciting time for children. Together, you and your children planned for this new baby; choosing a name, setting up the baby’s room, deciding who would help with the chores after the baby is born. Often siblings have attended a class on being the Big Brother or Big Sister. Then the worse happens and there is no new sibling. In the midst of your own grief, you realize that you must help your other children learn that a new baby is not coming home.
No matter their ages, your children will feel your sadness. They are concerned whether Mom and Dad will be all right. Expressing your grief through crying and holding or hugging them will comfort you both and give them much needed reassurance.
Death is a complex concept for children to grasp. They handle it differently, depending on their age. Younger children ask countless questions to help them understand. Provide them with simple examples from nature, such how plants and animals grow and then die. You can also use as a foundation their knowledge about God and His love. If you need help on what to say to them, ask your Pastor for guidance.
If the cause of death is known, explain this to them. If you do not know, tell them that you do not know why it happened. Do not tell them the baby was lost, they do not understand that concept and may think the baby may still be found. They need to know that it is never their fault. At times siblings have not been in favor of a new sibling, so when the baby dies, they feel it is because they didn’t want the baby. They need reassurance that it is not their fault.
If you notice changes in behavior, regressing to baby-like behavior, withdrawing, or even becoming aggressive, they may be reacting to unspoken grief or fear about losing a parent as well. They may be overwhelmed by the presence of so many strange people in your home after the loss. Loving support from you, grandparents and familiar family members can help children express openly their grief and fears.
Finding a way for Siblings to participate in the memorial service helps them express their grief. They can add things to the burial cradle that they have made themselves, or a favorite toy that they might want to put in with the baby. If they are talking about the loss of the baby further down the road, asking to express how they are feeling in a drawing or an older child, a poem, might help them with their continued healing. If they are older or teens, they might like to help pick out songs or what the baby might wear at the service if an open cradle. (Occasionally I write about things that are too late to help you, it might even have been years since your loss, but by educating you, you might be able to help a sister or friend if they lose a baby.)
Quote last month was supposed to be “The Distance between Joy and Sorrow can be measured by a heart beat!”
Healing and accepting my loved one’s death takes time. When I have moments of denial or disbelief, I can free myself from a prescribed timetable and allow myself to follow my heart.
Today I can welcome life---sunshine and rain, laughter and pain. Life is a precious gift for which I am grateful. (both quotes taken from Remembering with Love)