We will still have our October Memorial Service. It will be on Monday October 12th at 7 P.M. Starting in the Hospital chapel, and the walk to the cemetery following the service; we will have refreshments and a chance to place your baby on our memory Quilt following the walk--- “Light in our Grief!” will be our theme. It will be a wonderful service that will light up the life of your child. Family and friends are welcome to attend our service. We do appreciate a call letting us know if you are coming and how many, but we know it is sometime a hard decision to make and if it is last minute, you are still welcome. Bring mementos if you’d like to share them.
I’ve talked often about differences in grief especially with Fathers and Mothers. However, I think I have not written a lot about the aftermath of what goes on at home and of course for many of you this has long passed, but you might also find when some family thought you were “crazy”, you were really being quite normal. I have often said, “there is no time line to grief” and there is not. One of the hardest things to do if the pregnancy was progressing well, and you were “set” for bringing a baby home, is “putting love away”! Taking down the nursery! Excerpts taken from a resource by Elizabeth K. Best PH.D
Over time, the physical memories of the baby’s death must be put away. Some keep the nursery or other items up until they have a subsequent Child, but it is probably better to experience “healing” or coming to terms with the loss before another child comes into the picture. Still, for some, it is necessary before or as soon as they come home from the hospital. For many it might take a year or more. Both are fine: it depends on the meaning associated with the act of removing the articles. Some do not want a reminder, others feel it ungracious or unloving to take down the place the baby would have had: each parent must be given utter liberty to make their own choices. If the nursery stays up for years and years at a time, then yes, it becomes a complication and point of concern. It shows there has been little healing---- it does not however grant an invitation to judge the person who has not come to terms of their loss. A parent must integrate and establish the loved child in their heart, surrendered to God, and begin to rebuild.
Anchoring Grief: Keeping Memorabilia (by above author)
All parents need to keep some memorabilia. Grief is resolved in part by memory. That is why we encourage parents to talk about their loss. In Stillbirth or NICU death, we do not have a lifetime of memories; we have only a few mementos, ultra sound, and real photos, the birth or death certificate, footprints and items of clothing/blankets. Some have a “baby book” to keep events in as well. The most troubling part of keeping memorabilia is the reactions of other people: some think this is horrid---they are insensitive or ignorant and can cause pain to the parents. Just as we keep pictures and mementos of our living children as they have their special events as they go through life, we also need memories of our baby that died. These are the anchors that help memory, order and love grow into a new place. It is not abnormal.
Abraham Lincoln wrote these words after losing three sons:
“In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all----
It comes with bitterest agony---
Perfect relief is not possible, except with time.
You cannot now realize that you will even feel better---
And yet this is a mistake.
You are sure to be happy again.
To know this, which is certainly true,
Will make you become less miserable now
I have experienced enough to know what I say.”
Similar to the above, author unknown: The truth is that we can never know the greatness that will come from any loss---until the loss is upon us. It’s the loss itself that brings the things we have into sharp focus.
The pictures we take are not always what some people would think are “beautiful”, “wonderful” are even of the quality many people would like. However, they are all you have of your baby. We know that parents can over look the darkness to their skin, or the extra fluid around their little bodies. They just see their “baby.” One mom wrote: “it was really an important picture for us. His little face was discolored and even a little out of focus. But his perfect little hand was holding the hand of his teddy bear. I came home and sat that picture on the table by our bed because it proved to the world that our little boy was real!”